You know, sometimes a man with no sense of humor is right funny.
This is a true story. It happened about 40 years ago when I was a mere lad, about 40 years of age.
I remember the man well and he was nice enough but he believed that humorous had something to do with an arm bone. I even remember his name, but that one I keep to myself. Here, I will just call him Joe.
Oh, I forgot to mention that Joe was a health nut.
How It Started
One fine afternoon, I was sitting at my desk, probably with a cigarette, a cup of coffee, and a problem to solve.
Joe walked into my office.
Uh-Oh, he was carrying a book. That could be a problem.
It was.
I said to myself, “Please, Lord, let it be a technical book.”
It wasn’t.
Joe sat across from me.
That meant he was going to waste my time. IBM was paying me to solve problems. I had an urge to throw him out of my office but he was a nice guy so I decided to exercise patience.
Holding the book so that I couldn’t miss seeing the cover, Joe said, “This book teaches us how to live longer.”
Oh, my God, I was to be subjected to a litany of living. I also assumed that, just like in church, I was supposed to respond “Amen” at the appropriate places.
Joe opened the book and started reading.
It Gets Worse
Note: This happened 40 years ago, so this is the gist of our conversation. But my final comment, I well remember.
Joe said, “There is much in here to tell you how to lengthen your life.”
“Swell.”
Joe said, “If you run around the block 100 times a day, you will live ten years longer.”
“Really?” Thinking, I would die the first day.
Joe said, “If you keep regular hours, you will live eight years longer.”
“Really?” Thinking, How in the hell does anybody know that?
It went on like that. I have no idea how the book’s author came up with those numbers. I think it’s one of those “Trust me, I know” things.
Hope, Despair, Finally a Good Laugh
Then a hesitation.
I had the impression it was over.
It wasn’t.
I heard, “Here are things that shorten your life.”
“I’m all ears.” Thinking, I don’t know how the hell long I can listen to this.
Joe said, “Every cup of coffee you consume will take one minute off of your life.”
I took a gulp of coffee and said, “Really?” Thinking, Now this joker can calculate a man’s time on Earth down to minutes.
Joe said, “Every ounce of whiskey you drink will take four minutes off of your life.”
“Really?” Thinking, He’s pushing too damned hard.
I knew what was coming next.
Joe said, “Every cigarette you smoke will take six minutes off of your life.”
At that point, I couldn’t help myself. I put both arms across my chest and said, “My God! Why didn’t you tell me I was dead?”
What made it even funnier was that Joe had no idea why I was laughing.
Read more family-friendly humor: The Forties & The Fifties by H.D. Ingles
