The Discovery
Deep in the caverns of France or Germany or somewhere, maybe it was
Switzerland. Not 100% sure, but somewhere. It doesn’t really matter,
somebody knows.
Large piles of stone have been discovered. And I mean BIG. Not the
stones, the piles. Well, the discovery was BIG, too.
Actually, this was a three phase discovery.
Phase 1 Discovery
On July 14, 1944, I think. Maybe it was October 20, 1943. I don’t know for
sure. It doesn’t really matter. Don’t worry about it.
Anyway, whenever it was, two members of Hitler Youth were escaping to
whatever country it was.
The two boys were Hans Burgerwertzer and Hans Wertzerburger. Herein
referred to as “H1” and “H2.”
They were on the run because they had been listening to American radio. A
really big no-no.
They discovered the caverns and decided that would be a swell place to hole
up. Note that they would have never said “swell” except for the fact they
had listened to American radio.
The first thing that H1 and H2 did was to look at the cavern walls. Great
pictures. I mean, the Romans thought they knew how to have an orgy.
They were growing boys and this was going to be harder than they first
imagined. Maybe I should have said, “more difficult.”
H1 and H2 decided they better get their minds off of the pictures so, with all
of those huge piles of stones, they decided to play king of the mountain.
Well, one day when H1 was bumping down the rock pile because H2 had
pushed him off, he noticed that all of the stones were perfect cubes. And all
the same size.
That was curious. They decided that the stones were a giant jigsaw puzzle.
During that period, they also discovered that the big stone piles were really
many jigsaw puzzles.
It was hard (difficult?) work because all of the pieces were identical in shape
and size. But they did it. It only took five years. They completed one
puzzle, which measured 8-1/2 by 11 inches.
There was strange writing carved on the puzzle. The same kind of stuff that
was carved under the pictures on the wall. Neither H1 nor H2 could decipher
it. And they really, really wanted to read about the pictures.
They had time to kill so they completed more puzzles.
Phase 2 Discovery
In the year 2020, a Girl Guides Group was taking a walk through the Alps
and they discovered, you got it, a cavern.
The girls also discovered H1 and H2.
They were the first women H1 and H2 had seen in a long, long (long, long)
time.
Neither man spoke English but, after having heard American radio in the
1940s, H1 yelled, “Hot damn! Skirts!”
The Girl Guides were not worried because H1 and H2 were so damned old
they could barely walk.
The girls’ leader was Barbie, who spoke German. Barbie was a 22-year-old
blonde who had recently been a Playboy Centerfold.
Barbie was attired in extremely short shorts and a rather skimpy top. Her
reasoning for the manner in which she dressed was very logical.
Since they were climbing the Alps, they would be getting closer to the sun.
Ergo, it would be very warm.
H2 explained to Barbie what they had been doing since 1944 or maybe
1943. He also told the Barbie about the 8-1/2 x 11 stone sheets. They had
letters but the words were incomprehensible.
The explanation took quite a while because it was very hard (difficult?) for
H2 to concentrate on stone slabs while looking at Barbie’s legs.
Barbie looked at a stone slab and screamed, “Holy mackerel! Neanderthal
man spoke English!”
She said, “They look like war plans.” She read, “Agent X will sneak up on
cave 99 and whack the hell out of the guard. Then, platoons one and two
from Company Able will kill all of the men. Platoon three will snatch all of
the babes. Company Baker will make plans for the orgy.”
The Girl Guides left the cavern the following day, with the exception of
Barbie.
Barbie decided that the old men needed aid and comfort. For
entertainment, they could munch Girl Guide Cookies and discuss the
paintings on the wall. And Barbie could translate the words associated with
the paintings. All-in-all, good, wholesome, and very interesting
entertainment.
Barbie also decided that the old men should not foolishly dispose of the
twenty pounds of gold they had managed to smuggle out when they
escaped.
Phase 3 Discovery
Plans are being laid to locate the giant war plans stone shredder.
