Warning:
This story is not vulgar but I must confess it is a bit ribald.
Oh, you may notice that I adore alliteration.
Also a touch of humor.
Scene 1 – Take a Gander, Boom, Boom
A man walks into a smoke-filled bar. He scans the room and sees who he is looking for; he walks to her table.
The woman smiles and says, “Hello, Frank, sit down.”
Frank says, “Why the urgency, Betty? We hadn’t planned on anything until tomorrow.”
Betty smiles and responds, “It was urgent because I miss you so much.”
“Well, I delayed my meeting, so I have a couple of hours.”
Betty rubs his cheek and says, “Let’s have a drink and then I want to take you on a drive in the country.”
While walking to the car, Frank says, “Damn, Betty, I’ve never seen you dressed like that before. A lot of cleavage and those shorts are really short. And those high heels, damn you have great gams.”
Betty says, “I have something you have been asking for and I can wait no longer.”
Betty drives to an area and parks. She says, “I have something to show you. Now, don’t peek.”
Betty opens her car trunk, puts on shooting gloves and loads her Remington pump-action shotgun.
Frank says, “When did you get that? I never knew you liked guns.”
“I’ve decided to take it up. Let’s walk away from the road. I want to show you what is really on my mind.”
They walk about 50 feet and Betty moves five feet away from Frank. She lowers the top of her skimpy blouse and says, “No bra. Do you like these?”
Frank can only behold Betty’s beautiful body and her phenomenal perfect pair.
Betty says, “I’m going to give you something you weren’t expecting.”
Betty points the shotgun at Frank.
Frank says, “What are you doing?”
Betty responds with a pull of the trigger and hits Frank with a load of double-aught.
Frank falls to the ground, dead.
Betty sneers and shoots the dead man again.
Scene 2 – The Desperate Mother
Perry picks up his phone and says, “Show her in, Gabby.”
A middle-aged woman walks into Perry’s office.
Perry introduces himself and his beautiful secretary, Della Drive. He says, “How may I help you, Mrs. Bardot?”
The woman breaks down into tears and says, “The police are holding my daughter, Betty Bardot, for murder. She didn’t do it, I know she didn’t do it.”
Scene 3 – Police Lieutenant Tug’s Office
Tug says, “Don’t take this one, Perry, we have her cold.”
“What?”
Tug smiles and says, “Photographs. The DA, Mr. Hamburger, can’t lose.”
Tug produces the photographs for Perry. “The man who sold her the shotgun photographed her purchase. And you will love these, Perry. A photograph of her shooting the man and another of her shooting the dead man again.”
“How did you get the patently pornographic pictures?”
Tug says, “Pure luck. A man just happened to be near and he snapped the action. He dropped them off and left immediately.”
Scene 4 – Perry and Betty at the Jail
“I didn’t do it Mr. Masonic. I didn’t.”
“But, Betty, the photographs.”
“My sister, my twin sister. I know she did it. She has always hated me and she is mean, as mean as a snake. She is trying to get me. She is evil.”
Perry’s eyes grow wide as he says, “I have work to do. See you tomorrow.”
Perry makes a phone call and says, “Della, have our ace detective, Paul Duck, at my office. Pronto.”
Scene 5 – Perry’s Office With Paul
Perry says, “Paul, we are dealing with an evil twin.”
Paul’s eyes widen as he says, “An evil twin? I thought that was only on television.”
Perry shows Paul the photographs.
Paul says, “What a phenomenal perfect pair and great gams, too.”
Perry says, “See Mrs. Bardot and get all you can find on her daughter, Bonnie.”
Scene 6 – The Courtroom
The DA shows the judge his patently pornographic photographic proof.
The judge says, “What a phenomenal perfect pair and great gams, too.”
The DA looks at the judge and says, “We have made our case, your Honor. We have patently pornographic photographic proof of the terrible transgression.”
Perry stands and says, “We have a defense, you Honor.”
The DA jumps up and says, “Impossible. There is no defense. This is just another of Mr. Masonic’s Machiavellian maneuvers.”
The judge says, “Humbug, Hamburger, he has a legitimate legality.”
Paul Duck escorts Bonnie Bardot into the courtroom.
Hamburger howls, “A terrible trick!”
The judge says, “I need proof positive.” He has Betty and Bonnie stand in front of him.
The judge exclaims, “Identical! We need to consider closely.”
As ordered by the judge, the two women lower the tops of their blouses and remove their bras.
The judge exclaims, “My God, two phenomenal perfect pairs. Identical! We need to consider more closely.”
As ordered by the judge, the two women drop their skirts.
The judge exclaims, “My God, two sets of really great gams. Identical! There is no more to inspect, but maybe we should delve deeper.”
The DA says, “I have completely checked. They are identical. Which is which?”
Perry says, “Betty, lift that lovely leg and let the DA look.”
The sole of Betty’s foot has written on it, “This is Betty.”
Perry says, “Mr. Hamburger, you can release her leg now.”
The DA, with his hand in his pocket, walks back to his seat.
The judge says to the women, “Stand still, I want to keep a close eye on both of you.”
Perry says, “I have another witness. I will prove that Bonnie is the miserable murder miscreant. I will prove that Bonnie is Betty’s evil twin.”
The DA’s eyes widen as he says, “An evil twin? I thought that was only on television.”
Paul Duck escorts Clyde Borrow into the courtroom.
Perry says, “This is Clyde Borrow and he owes money to everybody.” Perry’s penetrating eyes point to Clyde as he says, “Clyde is a known purse snatcher. Bonnie and Clyde are involved in prostitution, which also makes him a snatch purser.
Clyde breaks down and cries out, “Yes, yes, it’s true. It’s all true. But I didn’t kill nobody. I only took pictures.”
Bonnie screams, “You rat!”
Clyde points to Bonnie and says, “She did it!”
The judge points to Bonnie and says, “Take her away.”
The policeman says, “Do I have to put her clothes on?”
The judge says, “Don’t worry about it.”
Perry looks at Betty and says, “It’s time to go.”
Betty says, “Should I put my clothes on?”
Paul says, “Don’t worry about it.”
Final Scene – Perry’s Office
Paul looks at Betty and says, “There is a very comfortable couch in Della’s office. Do you have any plans?”
Betty says, “I do now.”
Della’s clothing falls to the floor and she says, “Perry, you have a very comfortable couch. Do you have any plans?”
Perry says, “I do now.”
